A Query Letter I Have Talked Myself Out of Writing

HELLO EDITOR AND FRIEND.

Do not be alarmed!!! It is only me, that anonymous presence from your slush pile.

LOL.

I notice you have had my submission for 222 days! God is that FOREVER, or does it just feel like forever?? Is it cold where you are? I bet it was pretty warm when I first sent my submission 7 months ago.

What do you dream about?

Also, any idea when I can expect a response?

I know, I know…magazines don’t work for writers…writers work for magazines. Yes, I know you’re busy. I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND LET ME BE YOUR FRIEND I LIKE EVERYTHING YOU LIKE.

I blacked out for a second. I’ll just check my email to make sure I didn’t miss anything.

Kind regards,

Me.

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