Monthly Archives: April 2013

Human Hair Buffet

Now that Spring is well under way, I've taken up gardening again. Last year, I didn't do anything except water my plants, and I can't pretend my front yard didn't look like something a depressed second grader drew in therapy. Basically, gardening is fun if you love being outside, but also want a contentious relationship with nature, which obviously I do.

And so it has come to pass that I have been reminded once again of humanity's no. 1 enemy:


Slug_4823


I imagine that every time a slug bellies up to my yard, it must feel the same kind of joy a compulsive eater feels when they see a Golden Corral. No. 2 on my hit list is either deer or rabbits, but let me tell you why. Come with me on a journey to a time three years ago when I fell in love. The object of my affection: hostas. Just look at them…

Hostas


I mean, it's fine if you don't get it, just picture something you get the sweats for, like a fancy bike or a steak. I planted three of these beauties and beside slugs giving them a swiss cheese look all summer, every year, EVERY YEAR, something chooses the second before they bloom to just eat them down to little green nubs in the earth. Luckily for me, they are the sorts of plants that just go dormant and are then reborn in the spring. I am determined that this year will be different.

The other day, I looked online for a solution to my problem. People had lots of nice suggestions for my slug problem (eggshells everywhere, bowls of beer for them to drown in), but really only one suggestion for my deer or possibly rabbit issue: human hair.


Yes, human hair.

Apparently the smell scares them off. This sounds great, but I'm sort of concerned about how walking into a salon and demanding hair off the floor is going to make me look. Should I bring my own bag? Should I go to my own salon where they know me, and risk looking crazy there, or to a strange salon where they don't know me and will probably imagine that I'm using the hair in a voodoo ritual? What does one wear to request human hair? I assume it's dirty sweatpants, gardening boots, and a crazed look in one's eye. Maybe a caterpillar to fall out of one's hair at a strategic moment. Because that's what I'm wearing all summer.

I just want everyone to know that if I had a SPAM name, that name would be Tabitha Warpl.

As I go through my 1200+ comments that I received while this blog was abandoned on hiatus, I find that SPAM names seem to be composed of the kind of first name someone would choose if they were a teenager who read too much Victorian fiction, and something that sounds like a last name but patently is not.

Thomas Stroptar…Vivian Pertff…Dorothea Heimmml…I mean, how does one go about becoming a spammer? Because I don't want to brag (yes I do), but I think I might be the Don Draper of SPAM names.

Good questions: Why is my dog barking?

As a dog owner, I am often asked why my dog is barking her fluffy little head off. One time some neighbors called me late at night just to ask me that very question, except instead of asking, they were telling. And what they were telling me was that they were going to call the police. Another time, they did! Being responsible for other living things is so exciting! I have made a checklist of reasons dogs bark (in my experience), and I'm going to share it with you, so the next time your dog is barking you can go down it like I do in my head, which is not terrifying or anxiety inducing at all.

"I am your dog and I am barking because…

…that shadow is shaped like a bird I saw one time.
…there is an axe murderer in our house.
…the neighbor is sitting out on his patio and sometimes he gives me treats.
…I found a snake in the lawn. It's poisonous.
…I'm showing this deer what's what.
…this deer is showing me what's what.
…OoOh yeah. It's a migratory goose, and it's landing in our yard.
…I heard a dog bark.
…hobo in the attic
…mailman. Always. How long must I be denied?
…a dog went for a walk past our house. How long must I be denied?
…the ups guy threw a package at our doorstep from 35 feet away. His terror is only somewhat satisfying.
…someone is currently breaking into our car.
…a rabbit is eating your squash
…there is an axe murderer in our house, freel this time.
…the moon….exists."