The Imagined Conversations of Ill-Conceived Characters: Anthropologie, Part Quatre

Next summer, I am going to be in my friend April's wedding. The other day, she was like “you will wear a sash” and I died and went to heaven, because if there is one thing I do not get to do enough of in this life, it's wearing sashes (sashaying? I mean, are those two things related?). But it made me wonder: “Hey, I wonder what's going on over at Anthropologie?” 

SIDEBAR: Not so long ago, I was foolishly charmed into buying a raincoat from the Anthro. Oh, day that I most rue! I am full of regret, you guys! Because my bright red raincoat BLEEDS when it gets wet. Right onto my clothes. That's right, I have a raincoat that can never, under no circumstances, get wet. It only makes perfect sense. I think about returning it—about marching into the Anthro with a full glass of water and the coat and threatening to stain a spotless white bedspread that looks like a doily—but it's just…so cute.

Lately, I have been extra-judgmental of everyone around me, because I am super-frustrated with my thesis (sorry, guys), and insecurity makes me mean, but I am a kindergartener in the school of judgement compared to Lucinda and Peony, who have recently agreed to go into business together. I know this because they sent me their brochure. I transcribe it in full:

"Hello, friend!

We hope you're having a nice time in your “house” this holiday season(many people I have heard of own apartments, and I don't want you to think we don't mean you, too). Are you ready, though, to make your “house” into a home?

Lucinda and Peony now offer decoration services to the public (!), as long as there's no mold where you live. My friend Jacquelinda tells me mold is very bad, so we don't deal with that kind of thing. I have a very sensitive nose.

Anyway, here is some wallpaper that I did:

Screen Shot 2011-12-13 at 10.32.56 AM

It's good, isn't it? Peony told me to apply it up-down style, but I told her that was so cliché. I think it looks much better, much more artisanal, this way.

We do wall painting:

Screen Shot 2011-12-13 at 10.32.42 AM

Peony told me not to do one of my “designs”, so I went ahead and didn't do a thing. If that snotty cow wants someone to paint a wall in some boring shade of greige, she can do it herself. Anyway, I love chipping paint. You know, it's very chic. Jacquelinda came by with something called a lead test strip and swabbed everything, and then said I needed to do lead mitigation. I put on a sweater, obviously.

In this picture you can see a water heater I fixed up:

Screen Shot 2011-12-13 at 10.32.14 AM

It's working perfectly now. I don't know, it's just something I've always been able to do. My uncle, Milverton Potts, told me once I was a savant. He's the very worst hypochondriac and goes around diagnosing everyone. You shouldn't listen to him, I'm sure your thyroid's fine and you just need to eat less cheese.

We do furniture:

Screen Shot 2011-12-13 at 10.31.32 AMScreen Shot 2011-12-13 at 10.31.59 AM

Here I am doing something I call “existence” where I just sort of meditate on a space for some time before I go out and find you something just perfect (below…the chair was already in place, but the sculpture was something I found in Tijuana). It's really important to just sort of “be”, you know. Just “be” in a space before you go out and buy something. Many times you can get great deals on furniture if you mention your mother!

Screen Shot 2011-12-13 at 10.35.54 AM

We do details:

Screen Shot 2011-12-13 at 10.30.50 AM

These are some candlesticks I made from other candlesticks.

Finally, these are the contents of my purse:

Screen Shot 2011-12-13 at 10.27.59 AM

Peony keeps asking if I have the receipts in there. She's doing the numbers and boring things for our little business. Really, I don't know what she does all day."

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