The Imagined Conversations of Ill-Conceived Characters: Anthropologie, Part Trois

Put your hitchin’ hand in the air, ladies, Anthropologie has gone and gotten itself a wedding website! Finally, a place for us women to buy things for our weddings that look homemade and possibly water-damaged but actually cost hundreds of dollars. At long last, we can convey our antiquated-but-not-really style, charm, and quirkiness with mass produced items on the most important day of all our lives, bar none. I could not be more excited! Not because I’m getting married, but because I have EYES and a HEART.

I give you the latest episode in the ongoing Adventures of Lucinda and Peony: Lucinda’s Wedding.


Lucinda: Oh honeyboocakedarlingscrumptypie! You’ve come back from St. Petersburg for my wedding!

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Peony: Oh, Lucinda, I hope this makes up for last time’s little gaffe. It seems like no sooner had I left on my round-the-world trip than you announced you were getting married the following week!

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Lucinda: Let’s not even speak of…the gift you brought me last time. Let’s just be grateful that mummy’s pet exotic Siberian gerbils were replaceable. That hateful owl! I can’t even bear to think of it!  Do you know we’re still discovering fecal pellets hidden all over the house? SUCH a furtive creature.

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Peony: I wasn’t…aware. Oh, look at this! Did you use a wedding dress as a vase?

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Lucinda: Yes! Isn’t it sweet? My wedding planner assures me that no one else has ever had this idea, ever. It's unique! Anyway, welcome to my pre-wedding! We can both change into our dresses for the actual ceremony in my room later.

Peony: Oh, I wasn’t planning on…

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Lucinda: SURELY, you can’t have intended to wear white.

Peony: It's not even CLOSE to white…

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…it’s a beige-y sort of cream.

Lucinda: I see.

Peony: I don’t know what I can do about it now, Lucinda. I sent my driver to do laps around a distant field, and I don’t have his number. As you know, I don’t use cellular phones, because mine was giving me cancer. I could literally feel it giving me cancer.

Lucinda: If you do not find something else to wear, I’ll have no choice but to exclude you from my wedding.

Peony: Well, it’s not as if anyone would have brought an extra dress, so I don’t see what you can expect me to–

Lucinda: As it happens, I have the perfect thing. It’s very Laura Ashley as a flapper. Very flattering to women with problem areas below the waist, you know, which don’t SO many women have those? I worried someone might show up in something totally inapp…easily soiled.

Peony: Did you? I really do think you're overreacting. It's not as if I wore a full veil.

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Lucinda: I’ll have one of my bridesmaids show you where the dress is. They’re very helpful, although I rather tire of Elisa bumping into things. She has no depth perception since she lost her eye in that skiing accident.

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Peony: (silence)

Lucinda: Go try it on! I’d offer you a better pair of shoes as well, but Elisa packed the shoes and…you'll see. It really is a shame about that eye. Sometimes, I think she's doing it on purpose…

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Lucinda: Oh, Peony, it’s perfect!

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Peony: Yes, perfect. I can’t wait for you to open presents!


Till next time, my people of the internet! Play me out in the note of twee!



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