5 Children’s Books That Ruined My Life

As a counterpart to my post about good books for children, here are five books that should never be given to anyone.

Juventud en Extasis

As part of our sex-ed in like 6th grade, in order to counteract the effects of “information”, we had to read this hideous book that American children will never be subjected to, and may they thank an appropriate deity for that every day. It’s a book about how if you have sex before marriage, you get syphilis and die. From an Amazon review: “This is a perfect book for who ever thinks that sex and making love is just for having fun.” Those things are not for fun, ok? They are for marriage and sadness.

Even at 13, without actually having thought that much about sex yet, I was like “this is some exquisite bullshit”. I think the main character loses his virginity to a woman with no condom, but I’m not sure. Oh, maybe that’s why he caught syphilis?

No! Syphilis isn’t a disease! It’s a punishment. FOR THE SLUTS. One thing that is definitely true is that married people are safe from venereal disease forever.

Oh, apparently, there's also a really graphic abortion. I don't remember this at all. Because I suppressed it. 

Watching Roses

I mean, I guess I should’ve known that this wasn’t going to end well for me when I saw a girl in a white dress running from some angry-looking man cloaked in shadow. Like me, you may be thinking: “but that could be anything! Maybe she stole his wallet?”

No! She’s actually on her way to get raped. It’s not that I have a problem with rape being dramatized, but it makes no sense in this story, and once it happens the whole story basically goes into shock along with the main character. Sdbfdksjfklsdfnk I can’t even talk about this anymore. I have the grossest memory of that rape scene. I think this was the first time I encountered a full-on description of a rape, and I was unprepared.

I’m squeamish about all rape scenes. I think I had to leave the room during American History X. I blame this book.

Little House in the Big Woods

I wanted to stab everyone in this book. Not out of hatred. Out of boredom. Oh my god, Laura, tell me more about your stupid house that you made out of sticks and mud. I hope you drown in a puddle. I guess I should say that as a child I would have rather put sand in my eye than spend time outside. Maybe it was just a bad fit?

No! It was a terrible book. Look at this dumb beard:

  Ingalls

That’s what this whole book is like. It took me an entire decade to learn to like the woods.

Just a Dream

The message of this book is that we’re all doomed if we keep acting like capitalist jerkwads. But isn’t that a good thing, you might wonder.

No! Imagine how much happier I’d be if I was cool with living in a smoggy dump where all the trees have been cut down for toothpicks. He even maligns robots. COME ON. People make fun of me because I won’t even throw a banana peel out the window, and it upsets me. When the end-times draw nigh, you’ll all see I was right. The only person I’m letting on my raft when the ice caps melt is Chris Van Allsburg, and only so I can torment him by crying all the time. The rest of you deserve what you get.

This book made me bitter.

The Silmarillion

I can’t. 

 

PS: This is depressing.

 

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3 thoughts on “5 Children’s Books That Ruined My Life

  1. Jenevieve Lee

    You’re so funny. But my how sharp your teeth are my dear!
    I’m never letting you read anything I write ever ever ever.
    Bark bark snarf snarf.
    Please don’t hate me because I liked little house on the prarie when I was young. I just wanted to be like one of them white gals.

    Reply
  2. Ana

    I would never be mean to you! I think I must be an exception in not having liked the Little House books. Everyone loves them, right? Personally, I wanted to be red-headed Canadian.

    Reply

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